The Nameless Chronicles



You Are Hearby Charged with Three Counts of Proposal

I’m sure a lot of girls would love to have this problem.  I’m not one of them.  While I do love my childhood tales of requited, unrequited, and misquited love, the grown-up ones are just as enjoyable.  To add a bit of comedy to the recent lamentable mood of this blog, I shall now take you on a journey covering the span of about 4 years including three unsuspecting (or unsuspected) guys and not so glamorous moments.  I hope that you enjoy the rehashing of some completely awkward moments in my life and decide to commiserate with me on your own stories (c’mon…please tell me that others have had issues like these!).

Proposal #1

  He was fresh off the boat.  I was attending an international church at the time and he had just landed from Nigeria.  A very nice man, who I will call EL.  I was all of 19 years old.  He was in his 30’s with a daughter who, at the time, was almost half my age.  His wife had died a few years earlier from sickle cell anemia.  I felt for him and his daughter and sought to be welcoming and friendly to both of them, considering they were brand new to the country and had such heartache in their lives.
  It seems that EL had other ideas.  I began to feel a bit uncomfortable around him.  He would ask me questions about my family and beliefs and my church.  My church…he was very interested in my church.  I told him about the Wednesday night services that we had with dinners and he invited himself with his daughter.  He was dressed to the nines too.  I introduced him to our pastor and then went about my business.  I was pretty weirded out by him showing up, with how he was looking at me, and how he kept pulling my pastor away for confidential conversations.  I was at a loss, but I was determined not to show him any perferential treatment, or over-kindness,other than as a new friend who I still didn’t know very well.
  My pastor pulled me aside a little after he left and told me that EL had asked all sorts of questions about me!  I was mortified.  Turns out he was sizing me up.  For what?  Well…the next time we were at the int’l church together he pulled me aside and said (in a thick West African accent), “*Intrepidity*, I think I have interest in you.  You need to pray to God about being my wife.”  I froze…I’m sure I blushed…I can never help blushing.  Everything shows on my face.  I just told him flat out that I did not need to pray and that I was sorry I couldn’t be that for him.  About a year later, he was married to a wonderful African woman who had a couple children of her own.  I was very glad for him…and relieved that he had dropped the thought of me.

Proposal #2

  It was a semi-blind date.  I didn’t really know this guy, but I had met him briefly with his sister and another friend.  Turns out he thought a lot of me at that “hang-out” and asked his sister for my number.  I barely knew her, but I consented.  I had just entered my “I don’t care what the circumstance is, I will give just about any guy one date” phase (I haven’t given up this view yet either, which would explain my continuance for weird-guy stories).  We shall call him, Hardline Preacher-to-Be (HPB).  HPB was an interesting guy from the get-go.  We talked on the phone a bit and then decided to meet up.  I have a thing where I don’t let guys pick me up at my house.  We meet at a mutually-safe location where there are sure to be a lot of people at both the start and finish of the date.  We met up and then he drove me down to a restaurant by the river.  It was a nice place.  He was a conservative guy…in his beliefs…and liberal in his actions.  I could smell “Hypocrite and Bigot” from the moment I got in his truck. 
  HPB began telling me how pretty he thought I was, and how smart and funny too.  I like compliments, but his seemed to have a catch behind them.  We got to the restaurant and he pulled out his proverbial “list of requirements” and started checking things off.  Ok, no, he didn’t really have a list, but it sure felt like a rehearsed series of thoughts.  He said that I was everything he could see himself marrying…until we really got to talking. 
  How dare I actually not want kids.  How dare I want to have a life myself other than staying home and waiting for my husband so I can wait on him some more.  He wanted his wife to be at his beck and call and only to be a support for him and his pastoral endeavors.  Oh geez.  He also hated cursing.  Which was fine, until we were driving home and someone cut him off and he began to yell all sorts of preacher-cussing at them…and yelling, like, out his window, while people were all watching him.  I’m wondering if a lot of his anger was because he felt he wasted a whole evening on me.  He only tipped the waitress $2 too.  Yeah, um, definitely not for me.

Proposal #3

  I understand that HPB wasn’t necessarily a full-on proposal, but this one should redeem it.  It is also not a “if you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it” story, but it’s so darn near it that I am at perfect liberty to include it.  Not to mention that it is just both hilarious and shocking, and shake-your-head-in-disbelief kind of sad.  Also, please refrain from any comments on my being racist.  I am not…there just happen to be things about people from different cultures that you can say…I’m not…eh, well, what you think of it is up to you.  I can only say so much to preface.  Here we go:

  I met this guy at my college.  This college was filled almost to the brink with people from South Asia…which was fine.  Many of them became my good friends, but there are certain things to be said about the culture.  One, they are often late.  Two, they have very different personal boundaries than we do.  And three, they have very different expectations on dating and relationships, as I have come to know only too well.  We shall call this guy, Sam, as many of the guys I have met from South Asia are either named Ashish and go by Sam, or are named Sam and go by Ashish.  No joke.
  Sam was a quiet kind of guy, a little brooding, but he had a boyish cuteness that was just a bit appealing to me.  I never thought of him in a heavily romantic way, but I had just read Pride & Prejudice for the first time and “Mr. Darcy” was flooding every part of my life.  As such, I was in the midst of a  presumption that anyone “unsociable and taciturn” was actually a hopeless romantic and just waiting for the next rainstorm to come and declare his passionate love for me.  Little did I know, I was actually correct in these thoughts and, much to my surprise, I was no where near ready to accept them.
  He asked me out via text.  I told him that if he wanted to ask me out he should do it in person or over the phone.  So, he went ahead and called me.  He kept clearing his throat and his voice sounded really strained.  At that time, I thought it was quite endearing.  We went out a couple times, but things were always a bit odd.  He didn’t have any idea what to do, and he treated me like a vase about to shatter.  He expected me to do all the talking and, while I love to talk, I was soon very tired of sharing everything about myself and hearing very little about himself.  I mean, he was from another country…he should be interesting right? 
  We went out again and when the date was over, I told him that I just didn’t think he and I were going to get any further.  We drove off our separate ways (I had never let him pick me up at my house either) and I thought not much more about it.  About 30 minutes later, I received a text message from Sam saying,

“Prepare yourself for tomorrow.  It will be the most unforgettable day of our lives. 
If anything happens to me, please inform my parents. 
Your heartbroken X”.

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I freaked out, of course.  I tried calling him, but he wouldn’t answer.  I sent him a text message, but he never responded.  I called his roommate and he didn’t know where he was either.  I told him what had happened and I could almost see the shock on his face.  Apparently, he was madly in love with me and was already looking at houses.  He was planning to ask me to go visit his uncle in Michigan that weekend (a lot of South Asian guys seem to have uncles in Michigan) in order to get family permission to marry him.  Here I thought we were just getting to know each other better and he thought we were as good as betrothed!
  We had no idea where he had gone as he never went to his apartment that night.  We went to school the next day dreading his arrival but also anxious for it.  I was half-tempted to call the police to let them know that there might be some trouble.  In my mind, Sam had escalated from the lover scorned to the half-crazed vengeful face of “V” who could possibly blow up our whole school all orchestrated to Schubert’s Unfinished Symphony!  *smack!* As I reeled back from mentally slapping myself, I realized that the best idea was to remain calm and wait to see him.  His class was in 15 minutes and he came slinking through the foyer and to the door leading upstairs.  His eyes were red and puffy, I only assume, from crying.  By that time, I was so angry with him I could have punched him…or done other serious bodily injury to him.  His roommate told me that he spent the night at a friend’s apartment, didn’t talk to his friend at all, just cried the whole night. 
  My friends and I have a joke that he (because he grew a beard a looks all Mullah-like) is going to surprise me somewhere and kidnap me by throwing me in a burlap sack and hauling me off to South Asia.  It’s kind of sad, kind of funny…I think I will forever be, in his life story, the woman who “dun’im wrong.”

So there you are.  I shall include, sometime soon, an account of simply declarations of love which often occur on my 1st dates.  Hope you have a great weekend.

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Comments

  1. * DoctorLady says:

    Hysterical. Thanks for sharing!
    -doctorlady

    | Reply Posted 7 years, 7 months ago
  2. Oh my! It’s truly incredible what goes through these guys’ minds.

    Sometimes, the stuff that happens in real life is just so much more ridiculous than anything anyone can make up…I know the feeling!

    Great stories!

    | Reply Posted 7 years, 7 months ago
  3. * lottiesheart says:

    Sam has always been and always will be my favorite episode of the nameless chronicles : )

    | Reply Posted 7 years, 6 months ago


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