The Nameless Chronicles

A Modern-Day Pirate

I went to see a movie with one of my good girlfriends, who we will call AK.  She has been having some problems in the guy arena.  She finally joined the club.  However, her problem is that her significant other (meaning that he’s been significantly in other places, than with AK) has neglected to call his blonde beauty for about two weeks.  Last night, we analyzed the situation and came to the following conclusions:

  • He’s in a coma and is now a vegetable, unable to mutter any intelligible words
  • He was kidnapped and they won’t let him make any phone calls
  • He’s in a body cast after a freak accident and cannot pick up a phone, let alone put it to his ear.
  • He has amnesia.  He keeps saying her name over and over, but has no idea who it is applied to…he’s actually roaming the earth in search for this “AK” but cannot find her, and no one is helping him.

But, after we examined these reasons and the evidence, we decided that all these options were simply not the truth.  Go figure!  They look pretty plausible to me.  But with certain external facts and through our careful deductive reasoning, we finally discovered the truth of this mystery.  AK’s SO’s name has been changed to Beau for consistency and general use.  Here is the story, pretty much the only possible, logical reason:

  Beau found a treasure map.  He phoned Tuesday to tell AK, but she was a little miffed, so she didn’t answer.  He set off board ship to the Caribbean in search for riches.  First he traversed the Little Miami, that somehow feeds into the Ohio River, that somehow feeds into the Mississippi, which, we know, goes directly into the Gulf of Mexico.  With these riches, he is planning to pay for AK’s nursing school, his own schooling, and an engagement ring. 
  Thus, he is fighting pirates, as we speak.  In an attempt to make good with AK, he traded his beloved baseball bat for a parrot to deliver a message by air to his lovely lass.  The only possession he had of hers was a dress she had lent to his sister.  Strapping a message to the parrot’s leg of his whereabouts and undying love, he had the bird sniff the fabric.  Unbeknownst to Beau, the parrot had no olfactory capacity, and flew off in the direction of North, only to be deterred by some crackers, forgetting completely his mission.  Meanwhile, aboard his mighty sailing ship, a band of marauders commandeered the boat (only what marauders ought to do), forcing Beau into hand-to-hand combat with his shiny sabor.  This sabor is one he had specially crafted, bearing the initials of his beloved “AK.”  Back at the farm, Beau’s arch enemy Jack moves in to steal away his love.

Questions that need to be answered:

  • Who is this arch enemy Jack?
  • Will Beau ever make it home?
  • Where did the map, AND crackers come from?  Possibly, probably from the villain himself!
  • Will AK be able to wait for Beau…while she has no word of his whereabouts, and undying love?
  • Have birds ever had a sense of smell?
  • When will Beau have to sport his jet black eye patch and thus sweep AK off her feet?

These questions and more will be answered in the next serial episode of “Whose Sabor is on Top?” or “Polly Wants Her Cracker.”


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