The Nameless Chronicles



A Whirlwind

I knew that I was getting in too deep, and way too fast.  We talked about everything.  I mean…everything!  There were a few things discussed where my reaction (the sane part of me) was, “Wait a minute!  We haven’t even MET and we’re trying to talk about that?!  Hold the phone!”  But my heart was already there.  Stupid, deceptive heart that it is.  Despite all my preemptive warnings and careful foundation laying of boundaries, my heart flitted up to the top, stuck it’s tongue out at me and jumped over.  And it was all my fault.  I had convinced myself that the walls were too high and the shelter too narrow that I didn’t need a roof.  After all, I love the sky, and it makes me feel like anything is possible.  Like a big, ugly bird, it would be too difficult to take off and actually get over those walls…but I was tricked.

So, here’s how it went.  We chatted for two weeks in seeming bliss with each other.  Sharing everything that we could.  He said he wasn’t letting himself get too attached, but I couldn’t help but feel like the amount of information and the kind of info we were talking about signified a deep desire for a strong relationship.  Not to mention the fact that we would talk and suddenly he would spit out something that had been on my “List” for years.  You know, The List.  The list of things that I am looking for in a husband, praying for and hoping to find.  Some things have been added/removed over the years, but the essentials have remained the same, and he exhibited all of these.  I didn’t set him up for it either.  I didn’t feed him any lines or hints.  And he said the same about me.  We just innately had what the other had been looking for.  Certainly there were red flags.  This was all happening so quickly and so easily.  Had I really been wasting all this time over the last several years just to have what I was waiting for in a month’s time?

The let-down of such a rush of emotion and hopes is really tough.  This reflects my personality type well in that, after the fact, I am grateful for such a devastation because it re-grounded me and made me realize just how much of my heart I had given away.  And so, I quickly took it back and made sure he was aware of the danger and his, now, great task of winning it back.

It basically came from him not calling me or texting me.  Minor things, I will admit, but at the same time, how hard is it to just shoot a reply, even just to say, “Hey, I can’t talk right now.” “Busy this weekend, call you when the week starts up again.”  Something like that.  And it’s not like I was texting him a bunch of times throughout the day.  I am good about limiting myself and so sent him a text in the mornings to wish him a good day and left it at that.

One weekend though, I had a wedding to perform for and he was moving.  We shared how little we were looking forward to both events and the various emotions/situations we’d find ourselves in and I was looking forward to being able to comfort each other in the evening with a phone call.  But I never heard from him.  No reply to my text, no phone calls.  Alright, so I have found ways to be stalkerish.  Like, on the Christian dating site, it will tell you the last time a certain person has been logged into the site.  And he, without fail, was able to check his account.  Yes, I know…but the information is right there.  And yes, I know this means that I, too, was checking my account during this time, but at least I was coupling it with communication with him.

I think that if he hadn’t been so ardent in his excitement for me and the prospect of our relationship, I wouldn’t have been so concerned about him not getting in touch with me.  But he was.  He had joked that if we met soon, he might try to propose to me.  I laughed, but I couldn’t help feel that I might not be against such an attempt.  He said that I was perfect (I should know to question words like that).  He was “waiting to wake up.”

And either he did or I did.  Or maybe both.  It turns out that my suspicions were correct that something very big was wrong.  After I told him he was on my “I’m really bummed…” list, he said he’d make it up to me and call me that night.  But he didn’t.  Turned out he forgot his phone at home.  I’m a person who would rather give the benefit of the doubt, so I let him off for that night, but I was still upset.  Not fuming anymore, but really disappointed.  He called the next night, but was in a bad mood.  The convo was of a lower quality than we had enjoyed, but I still felt better from it, relieved that he at least did have a “terrible weekend.”  But he quickly ended the call and said he’d be in a better mood the next night to talk.

However, enough time had passed between my being really upset with him and now just jaded that it didn’t really bother me that much.  He knows where to find me and I’m leaving it at that.

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