The Nameless Chronicles



FB Message

I was minding my own business…honestly, I was.  But these guys just tend to find me.  I’m like a bug lamp and they’re the mosquitoes or the moths.  Creepy.  I’ve wondered if I have some invisible neon sign over my head that says, “Act now!”  “Supplies running out soon!”  “Must have low-credit to qualify.”

Who knows…but this is the latest chapter to the Nameless Chronicles.

I logged onto FB and found this message in my inbox:

Mr. Random: You are very attractive.  I read things on your info page that I really liked.  I’m serious.  I have a lot of the same interest.  I own a home out by ***.  No kids yet.  Let’s talk.  Your single.  Why not.  If you don’t try then you will never find someone.  Who knows.  Ya know.  Really try talking with a couple times.  You might like it.

I’m fairly determined not to date right now, but I could smell a good story ebbing from my computer screen, so…in my weakness, I bit.

Me: what things have you liked on my page? .

At this point, I have the opportunity to check out his profile and find a pic of him nude from (at least, I hope) the waist up, flexing as many muscles as he can cram into the screen.  He also “likes” George and Laura Bush…oh, and the Immigration Act for Arizona.

Mr. Flex: It doesn’t matter.  Every girl I try to talk to thinks I am stupid because I invest all my time in my house and not them.  But I have a nice house right next to *** that I have mass equity in.  So why try. Sorry for bothering you.

[insert raised eyebrow here]

Me: all I said was “what did you like?” eesh

I fully expected him to give up at this point, but no…he is more intrepid than I am.  I debated giving you the script verbatim, but my BFF convinced me that it would lose all of its “wealth” and joyness with a simple paraphrase.  So, here you are, in its complete goodness:

Mr. Skittles:  I know I’m just saying I owe $104,000 on my house and my neighbors just sold for $165,900 in four days.  Exactly what they asked even with the market the way it is.  Last girl I talked to was texting me on a week day and said let’s hang out.  I said ur welcome to come out but I have someone here I’m paying hourly to help me.  So I don’t really want to tell them to Leave half way through the day.  We never made plans it was just a week day.  Well she said ok.  Then a few hours later I kept getting text saying I hope she is good.  Revering to sex and being a smart ass.  My girl at the time didn’t believe me that I was working on my house.  She could’ve came out but for some reason didn’t.  She thought I was putting her 2nd.  I didn’t say anything mean.  Well at 6pm when we were done.  I called her twice.  No answer.  She said I was cheating on her.  I showed the text to my neighbor and they laughed saying she is nuts.  I saw u the whole day outside doing things.  I said yea I know but she wouldn’t even talk to me that day.  I got sick of it.  Told her all u had to do was drive out here.  You’re too lazy to do that I guess.  Could’ve made us some hot tea while we were working.  I guess I was cheating on her with my house. lol.  I’m almost done with it too.  Plus now when I ask a girl for her number and get it she either listens to rap all day, which is annoying.  I like a small amount but cmon or she dates niggers or spics.  All the good ones my age are married around here or say I’m ignorant for being racist.  Which you probably will too.  That’s why I said I know I’m wasting my time.  I have tons of friends. Most are married.  A lot are older and have wealth.  All of them are racist as hell and loaded.  Why I click with them.  Basically I’ve been all over America and this is the trashiest place I have been.  Really is.  By far.  At the same time.  This is one of the most culturally diverse areas.  You’re going to tell me I’m stupid for being racist and I hope you find Jesus or something.  Heard it a million times from girls.  Thing is though.  I’m really smart and believe it or not.  All truly intelligent people are racist.  If they were not we wouldn’t be living in a world that we have now.  It would be skittles and rainbows but the reality is…….  Even you’re racist.  You don’t know it.  It’s genetic.  I won’t even attempt to try and throw that one at you.  Well that’s all.  I can almost write down what you will say back. Thanks and sorry again for bothering you.  I know after reading this u won’t like me at all.

Um…your mouth is hanging open.  Seriously, close it before you drool on your keyboard and short it out.  That’d be gross.

Did you know that you’re a racist…well, if you’re smart enough to read this blog, then, chances are, you’re smart enough to be a racist, apparently.  Skittles and rainbows…that’d be the life. *sigh*

Me:  Have you ever heard of a “self-fulfilling prophecy”? It’s when you believe something is or will be true, and so you behave as though it is true and by your actions, it becomes true. You have done your very best, with this email, to present yourself as everything you claim to fear I will think you to be. And therefore, I do think those things…but I wonder if I would have if you hadn’t jumped into it right away. I don’t appreciate you using the *n word, but I doubt I would have thought you racist without it. It sounds to me as though the girl you were talking to is just that, a girl, and completely insecure…as you seem to be.

With that said, I do know Jesus and He has me not dating currently. Normally, even with that sanction, I would still welcome someone new to chat with, but I don’t think that you are in a stable situation, emotionally, to handle it. It’s great that you are in such care and concern for your house. That’s not me, personally, but I have many dear friends who have houses and invest a lot of time and energy into them. I, for one, have felt for a few months now that God doesn’t want me to date/marry, and have felt for a long time that house-owning and the “American dream” is not for me, but a life of sacrifice and mobility to serve Him.

I hope you have a great holiday season and find what you’re looking for in life…and I do hope that’s Jesus, but I’m not just saying that to be quaint or whatever…I’m saying it because it’s true.

Was that a nice enough way of saying, “Yes, I do think you’re psycho.  Now leave me alone”?  After checking out a few more pictures…my friends and I have decided to settle on the name “Mr. ‘Roid Rage.”

*Mr. Random, Mr. Flex, Mr. Skittles, and Mr. ‘Roid Rage are all the same person.

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