The Nameless Chronicles


Knee-Jerk Reactions

I came to the realization a day or two ago, that I’m in this all for myself.  It’s an ugly thing to realize about oneself, but I don’t think I’m unique in this self-discovery.  I really enjoy going out on blind dates, and I enjoy having a guy start to like me (for the most part).  But, my track record of serial blind/first-dating has to point to something.  Am I just a one-hit wonder?  Or is there something inside me that’s dictating this condition.  I’m content to be single, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t investigate why I am such.

I thought I’d take a bold and glaring look at my knee-jerk reactions when it comes to relationships.  Here are some of my tendencies, and yes, I understand they are ugly.

  1. I see every single guy as a “possible mate.”
  2. Only when a guy is engaged/married does my brain automatically put him in a “keep your distance” box.
  3. When I meet a new guy, immediately after putting him in one of the two categories above, I will search for the reasons why a relationship would not work.

Every guy a possible mate

I’m chalking the first one up to my grandma.  Ever since I was a child I would hear her say, “Every date a possible mate.”  Somehow, my brain went even further, whether through reading books or talking to others about their experiences, and lumped all single males in that category.  Yes, I’ve even thought about some gay men – I’m not going to get into this, but I believe that our sexuality is a choice – and guys dating other girls.  For most of high school and college, this was the prevailing reaction in my heart and it led to years of heartache.  Thanks to Jane Austen (and other “propriety” authoresses), I developed this attitude of sitting back and pining for the one I loved.  When they either moved on or loudly declared their lack of feelings for me, I was devastated (as reflected in this blog with some other stories).  But, I became resilient and developed point #3, which I’ll expound on in a moment.

Married? Get out of my way

My parents divorced when I was thigh-high because my father had an affair.  I grew up with the devastation that this caused and vowed never to be a part of it again.  God teaches through Scripture the sanctity of marriage and I thoroughly respect it.  However, I’ve sometimes alienated my married guy friends to a point of disregard.  I need to find the balance there, and it’s a little hard for me to see.  I’m working on this one.

This won’t work out at all

With Mr. Rough, I hate to admit, a part of my heart died that I didn’t think was possible.  I had poured so much hope, against my better judgment, into that relationship and the possibility of it that the last little bit of hope in my heart crumbled up and was blown away.  I know that God can repair it, but it will take time and right now this is my reality.  I have given up.  And it reflects in the development and strengthening of my third reaction.  I’ve had this thought floating around in my heart for a few years now, but it suddenly found the sustenance it needed in the aftermath of Mr. Rough to grow and fight its way to the forefront.  I am so afraid to be disappointed.  I’m so afraid that I will disappoint.  It’s better for me to push away and ignore than to let myself get any closer and risk that hurt again.  So whether the excuse is mine or his, I will find a reason why a relationship would be a bad idea.  This is both a trigger and a defense – a preemptive strike, if you will.

And despite the faulty thinking that I know is in there, I think it’s a good thing for me to keep my distance right now.  My heart is too fragile and cracked to handle anything extra.  I feel broken inside and broken edges cause pain, both for the one holding them and those trying to touch them.  Nope, until I’m healed a bit more, I need to keep romantic thoughts away.  Friends?  Yes, that’s necessary for healing, but I will have to fight with thoughts of being more than friends.

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