The Nameless Chronicles



Knee-Jerk Reactions

I came to the realization a day or two ago, that I’m in this all for myself.  It’s an ugly thing to realize about oneself, but I don’t think I’m unique in this self-discovery.  I really enjoy going out on blind dates, and I enjoy having a guy start to like me (for the most part).  But, my track record of serial blind/first-dating has to point to something.  Am I just a one-hit wonder?  Or is there something inside me that’s dictating this condition.  I’m content to be single, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t investigate why I am such.

I thought I’d take a bold and glaring look at my knee-jerk reactions when it comes to relationships.  Here are some of my tendencies, and yes, I understand they are ugly.

  1. I see every single guy as a “possible mate.”
  2. Only when a guy is engaged/married does my brain automatically put him in a “keep your distance” box.
  3. When I meet a new guy, immediately after putting him in one of the two categories above, I will search for the reasons why a relationship would not work.

Every guy a possible mate

I’m chalking the first one up to my grandma.  Ever since I was a child I would hear her say, “Every date a possible mate.”  Somehow, my brain went even further, whether through reading books or talking to others about their experiences, and lumped all single males in that category.  Yes, I’ve even thought about some gay men – I’m not going to get into this, but I believe that our sexuality is a choice – and guys dating other girls.  For most of high school and college, this was the prevailing reaction in my heart and it led to years of heartache.  Thanks to Jane Austen (and other “propriety” authoresses), I developed this attitude of sitting back and pining for the one I loved.  When they either moved on or loudly declared their lack of feelings for me, I was devastated (as reflected in this blog with some other stories).  But, I became resilient and developed point #3, which I’ll expound on in a moment.

Married? Get out of my way

My parents divorced when I was thigh-high because my father had an affair.  I grew up with the devastation that this caused and vowed never to be a part of it again.  God teaches through Scripture the sanctity of marriage and I thoroughly respect it.  However, I’ve sometimes alienated my married guy friends to a point of disregard.  I need to find the balance there, and it’s a little hard for me to see.  I’m working on this one.

This won’t work out at all

With Mr. Rough, I hate to admit, a part of my heart died that I didn’t think was possible.  I had poured so much hope, against my better judgment, into that relationship and the possibility of it that the last little bit of hope in my heart crumbled up and was blown away.  I know that God can repair it, but it will take time and right now this is my reality.  I have given up.  And it reflects in the development and strengthening of my third reaction.  I’ve had this thought floating around in my heart for a few years now, but it suddenly found the sustenance it needed in the aftermath of Mr. Rough to grow and fight its way to the forefront.  I am so afraid to be disappointed.  I’m so afraid that I will disappoint.  It’s better for me to push away and ignore than to let myself get any closer and risk that hurt again.  So whether the excuse is mine or his, I will find a reason why a relationship would be a bad idea.  This is both a trigger and a defense – a preemptive strike, if you will.

And despite the faulty thinking that I know is in there, I think it’s a good thing for me to keep my distance right now.  My heart is too fragile and cracked to handle anything extra.  I feel broken inside and broken edges cause pain, both for the one holding them and those trying to touch them.  Nope, until I’m healed a bit more, I need to keep romantic thoughts away.  Friends?  Yes, that’s necessary for healing, but I will have to fight with thoughts of being more than friends.

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Comments

  1. * youknowwho says:

    I think that your feelings about married guy friends make a lot of sense, quite honestly. Yes, I miss my female friends that got married. But, I’ve noticed that, perhaps especially online, married people need to be more careful. It’s very easy to feel an emotional connection and start thinking “This is a lot easier than it is to talk to my wife” etc. You may not be completely wrong in keeping some distance or being more careful, depending on how the relationship with the guy started, as well.

    About evaluating guys–of course, it’s natural for you to think about possibilities. I think we all do, to some extent. However, maybe the problem for you is, you start by giving them the benefit of the doubt, thinking they are great guys…and you’re not noticing the red flags early, and then you’re quickly disillusioned, and it hurts you. You may be the rare girl who actually would benefit by making list of what kind of guy she wants to date, and only dating that kind of guy.

    About disappointment: you will disappoint your man, guaranteed. And it won’t matter, because he will love Christ, and forgive you, and ask you to forgive him for his limitations. You see? Please don’t let that stop you. Love enlarges our capacity to forgive and overlook, and it covers over a multitude of sins.

    | Reply Posted 6 years, 4 months ago
    • Hey youknowwho:

      Yep, I agree with you, for the most part. On the 2nd paragraph, I think I initially give every guy the benefit of the doubt, but rather than go through the fuss of decided who’s worth-while, I just drop all of them. In the past, yeah, I think I was more “sky-high” and “depths of despair”, but now, I’m jaded and apathetic.

      I’ve made the list, which was my downfall this last time. The guy hit every major point on my list and yet wasn’t the one. I’m better now making any list or having any expectations. It might seem like an easy way out…but, gosh darn it, it is the easy way out. Everything’s easier when you let go of your own will and hold on to God’s.

      And I think the love you speak of can exist beyond romantic boundaries. Rather, should exist absent of romantic bounds. And that kind of love is the kind that God wants us to learn more than anything else. So, am I really missing anything by avoiding romance? God has and does romance my soul more than anyone else could. I’m working hard to be satisfied with that.

      Thanks for commenting! 🙂

      | Reply Posted 6 years, 4 months ago
      • * theg says:

        I dated a woman when I first moved who basically hit everything on my checklist. Smart? Working on her Master’s degree in a hard subject, at a tough school. Athletic? She beat me in a game of basketball! Tall? perfect height. Christian? Yes! not quite my denomination, but definitely a Christ-follower. Even the right age, very responsible, and…still didn’t work out. It’s complicated! It was a good lesson to me that my list alone is not enough and I still had things to learn. It’s not just about list; it’s also about interpersonal fit. Just FYI.

        Posted 6 years, 4 months ago


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