The Nameless Chronicles

Category Archive

The following is a list of all entries from the Musings category.

Wedding Dreams

I remember thinking that it was a dream, and so I was fully expecting things to be strange – not at all like Inception where everything begins to fall apart once you realize you’re dreaming, but the standard oddness.

It was my wedding day.

I was in a way-too-white-it-was-almost-blue dress that strongly resembled the dress I wore to my junior Prom. In my dream, I knew it was happening in extreme short notice. Everything was disorganized. I couldn’t remember what had happened at the rehearsal and then I remembered that we didn’t have a rehearsal.  That was a strange part considering that it seemed my dad was officiating it and he would have insisted on a rehearsal.  He would be way too emotional to handle it flying by the seat of his pants.

Not only that, apparently there was no coordinator. I was running around in my wedding dress through the sanctuary putting things down in the pews, annoyed that my mom didn’t save me a seat. Somebody had managed to put my shoes in the car that brought us to the church, so that was a good thing. But they were not the shoes I would have chosen at all – really tall high heels that covered most of my feet. Yuck.  I also had a long white flowing shawl over my dress, that I’m sure I was planning to wear down the aisle.  I had to take a restroom break.

The one redeeming factor was my hair. I really enjoy my hair. I have a lot of it. It’s stick straight and won’t let me put any kind of body into it. But I like it that way for the most part. When I got to the restroom and looks in the mirror, my hair seemed to have tripled on itself. It was fuller than I have ever seen it. And it was filled with braids of different sizes scattered throughout my hair. I don’t know how to describe it – it probably would look awful if I tried to do it myself with the amount of hair I actually have, but it looked so pretty. I’ve always thought it would be great to have my hair down and long for my wedding.

I came out of the restroom and my dad was waiting for me.  I asked him if I was supposed to sing for the service and he said yes. I told him that it was my day and I didn’t want to do it. So he shrugged and said it would be ok. He was much less affectionate than he would have been on even normal occasions and I found that I didn’t mind it at all. At this point, I had only one goal, to get to that altar.

We walked up to the end of the aisle where my step-mom was waiting for me. Dad ran up to say something in the front of the sanctuary. My step-mother began saying that she wanted to show some kind of connection to me, that maybe she could walk up with me and my dad. I told her that she could just walk behind us and then I could turn back and smile at her. And then I remembered that I’ve been concerned about how to recognize Mom and how sad/angry she would be if I let my step-mom do something special and not her. And I was just coming on to a solution (one I would really like to have in real life for when the time comes) when my alarm clock jarred me to consciousness.

The most disappointing part of the whole dream was that I never saw nor was concerned with who the groom was. I remember seeing a groomsman and knowing exactly who he was, but I couldn’t tell you now for anything. I was talking with a girl from my church at one point, but I can’t remember which one. I opened an envelope that had about 5 checks in it from different people who knew my grandmother and were wishing me congratulations. But I never caught a glimpse of the groom.

And it’s probably for the best. I’ve dreamt of guys before and it’s made things awkward at times. So I’m going to spend the day chewing on that question, because I can’t help it. Was the groom going to be Mr. Wisley? Was it someone else? Someone I know? Someone I don’t? That I would know one of the groomsmen would suggest that I would also know the groom, but who knows! It could be someone totally new. I’m just glad to know that the dream of a wedding hasn’t left my heart yet.  Whether it comes or not, I prefer to hold on to that hope as long as I can.


Knee-Jerk Reactions

I came to the realization a day or two ago, that I’m in this all for myself.  It’s an ugly thing to realize about oneself, but I don’t think I’m unique in this self-discovery.  I really enjoy going out on blind dates, and I enjoy having a guy start to like me (for the most part).  But, my track record of serial blind/first-dating has to point to something.  Am I just a one-hit wonder?  Or is there something inside me that’s dictating this condition.  I’m content to be single, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t investigate why I am such.

I thought I’d take a bold and glaring look at my knee-jerk reactions when it comes to relationships.  Here are some of my tendencies, and yes, I understand they are ugly.

  1. I see every single guy as a “possible mate.”
  2. Only when a guy is engaged/married does my brain automatically put him in a “keep your distance” box.
  3. When I meet a new guy, immediately after putting him in one of the two categories above, I will search for the reasons why a relationship would not work.

Every guy a possible mate

I’m chalking the first one up to my grandma.  Ever since I was a child I would hear her say, “Every date a possible mate.”  Somehow, my brain went even further, whether through reading books or talking to others about their experiences, and lumped all single males in that category.  Yes, I’ve even thought about some gay men – I’m not going to get into this, but I believe that our sexuality is a choice – and guys dating other girls.  For most of high school and college, this was the prevailing reaction in my heart and it led to years of heartache.  Thanks to Jane Austen (and other “propriety” authoresses), I developed this attitude of sitting back and pining for the one I loved.  When they either moved on or loudly declared their lack of feelings for me, I was devastated (as reflected in this blog with some other stories).  But, I became resilient and developed point #3, which I’ll expound on in a moment.

Married? Get out of my way

My parents divorced when I was thigh-high because my father had an affair.  I grew up with the devastation that this caused and vowed never to be a part of it again.  God teaches through Scripture the sanctity of marriage and I thoroughly respect it.  However, I’ve sometimes alienated my married guy friends to a point of disregard.  I need to find the balance there, and it’s a little hard for me to see.  I’m working on this one.

This won’t work out at all

With Mr. Rough, I hate to admit, a part of my heart died that I didn’t think was possible.  I had poured so much hope, against my better judgment, into that relationship and the possibility of it that the last little bit of hope in my heart crumbled up and was blown away.  I know that God can repair it, but it will take time and right now this is my reality.  I have given up.  And it reflects in the development and strengthening of my third reaction.  I’ve had this thought floating around in my heart for a few years now, but it suddenly found the sustenance it needed in the aftermath of Mr. Rough to grow and fight its way to the forefront.  I am so afraid to be disappointed.  I’m so afraid that I will disappoint.  It’s better for me to push away and ignore than to let myself get any closer and risk that hurt again.  So whether the excuse is mine or his, I will find a reason why a relationship would be a bad idea.  This is both a trigger and a defense – a preemptive strike, if you will.

And despite the faulty thinking that I know is in there, I think it’s a good thing for me to keep my distance right now.  My heart is too fragile and cracked to handle anything extra.  I feel broken inside and broken edges cause pain, both for the one holding them and those trying to touch them.  Nope, until I’m healed a bit more, I need to keep romantic thoughts away.  Friends?  Yes, that’s necessary for healing, but I will have to fight with thoughts of being more than friends.

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