The Nameless Chronicles

The First Kiss

27 and three quarters.

Never been kissed.

For most of my, well, dating life, I have held fairly firm to the idea that I didn’t want to kiss until I got married. I’ve had several reasons for it, and I think I may have included them in this blog, but I can’t rightly remember where. If possible, I will try to link to it for you.

There have been times when I haven’t been very strong in this conviction. At those times, I was either with a guy who wasn’t interested (so…we weren’t really dating) or there wasn’t a guy at all. The times when there was a guy who was interested, I found the fortitude to keep with my conviction.

Now, I’m in a serious relationship with Mr. Wisely. We’ve met each other’s immediate family (apart from my sisters who are crazily busy, so it’s not all my fault) and have had several dates together. We recently had an almost week-long event at my place of worship and he came to each evening activity and some of the day-time events with me. I have visited his place of worship twice now and, in my book, that’s a big deal. My spiritual family is as important to me as my birth family.

Pretty much within the first month of dating, I began battling through whether the conviction to wait and kiss was God’s command for my life or just my own security, defense, or ideal. Ideals can be a good thing, but they can also be a bad thing – unrealistic and something to hide behind. I truly believe that my not wanting to kiss anyone until I marry has been a good thing and a way that God has protected me from certain relationships in the past that weren’t as edifying.

I asked Mr. Wisely to help me in prayer and discussing together what we thought about it. My thought was that I want to wait as long as possible, maybe actually have a legit deadline so that I could have a timeline to work through before deciding what I wanted to do. Mr. Wisely, however, was ever gracious and told me he would not pressure me by forcing a timeline on me. He didn’t want to pressure me.

I was kind of upset by this. I like things to go in boxes – nice, neat little packages that can be handled. If I have parameters to work in, then I feel better. And so, I was kind of annoyed with him that he wouldn’t give me a deadline or ultimatum to work around. And then it hit me. The day after he and I had talked about it, the verse from 1 Corinthians came to my mind: Love is patient. Love is kind.

He was being the epitome of that verse for me. Loving me more than his physical desire or even my mental comforts. I began to think about other ways that he has shown me this verse through his actions. And my heart began to soften. I prayed a bit more and last week, I sent him a text (because I was sure if I told him in person, he’d just grab me and kiss me right there) that I was ready to let him decide when we should have our first kiss. He was thrilled!

He waited a full week before asking me, one late night at my house before he went home, if he could kiss me. I told him that I had said he could. And so he leaned in.

I’m pretty sure I was cringing. I had been trying not to worry about it, after handing the reins over to him, but that’s not something you can easily throw off. I was cringing because I was so dang nervous.

I had three thoughts during the kiss:

1. This is so weird.

2. Oh, maybe I should be moving my lips too, and

3. I am so glad I’m not doing this in front of hundreds of people.

And I am glad I didn’t wait…and I’m glad that I did. I couldn’t have picked a better guy to have my first kiss with. If Mr. Wisely and I do not go any further than this phase in our relationship, I won’t have any regrets about it. But if we keep going on, then, my husband will be my first and only kiss. I’m so glad that I might still have THAT forever.

It was so awkward…but there’s always time for practice. 😉


Knee-Jerk Reactions

I came to the realization a day or two ago, that I’m in this all for myself.  It’s an ugly thing to realize about oneself, but I don’t think I’m unique in this self-discovery.  I really enjoy going out on blind dates, and I enjoy having a guy start to like me (for the most part).  But, my track record of serial blind/first-dating has to point to something.  Am I just a one-hit wonder?  Or is there something inside me that’s dictating this condition.  I’m content to be single, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t investigate why I am such.

I thought I’d take a bold and glaring look at my knee-jerk reactions when it comes to relationships.  Here are some of my tendencies, and yes, I understand they are ugly.

  1. I see every single guy as a “possible mate.”
  2. Only when a guy is engaged/married does my brain automatically put him in a “keep your distance” box.
  3. When I meet a new guy, immediately after putting him in one of the two categories above, I will search for the reasons why a relationship would not work.

Every guy a possible mate

I’m chalking the first one up to my grandma.  Ever since I was a child I would hear her say, “Every date a possible mate.”  Somehow, my brain went even further, whether through reading books or talking to others about their experiences, and lumped all single males in that category.  Yes, I’ve even thought about some gay men – I’m not going to get into this, but I believe that our sexuality is a choice – and guys dating other girls.  For most of high school and college, this was the prevailing reaction in my heart and it led to years of heartache.  Thanks to Jane Austen (and other “propriety” authoresses), I developed this attitude of sitting back and pining for the one I loved.  When they either moved on or loudly declared their lack of feelings for me, I was devastated (as reflected in this blog with some other stories).  But, I became resilient and developed point #3, which I’ll expound on in a moment.

Married? Get out of my way

My parents divorced when I was thigh-high because my father had an affair.  I grew up with the devastation that this caused and vowed never to be a part of it again.  God teaches through Scripture the sanctity of marriage and I thoroughly respect it.  However, I’ve sometimes alienated my married guy friends to a point of disregard.  I need to find the balance there, and it’s a little hard for me to see.  I’m working on this one.

This won’t work out at all

With Mr. Rough, I hate to admit, a part of my heart died that I didn’t think was possible.  I had poured so much hope, against my better judgment, into that relationship and the possibility of it that the last little bit of hope in my heart crumbled up and was blown away.  I know that God can repair it, but it will take time and right now this is my reality.  I have given up.  And it reflects in the development and strengthening of my third reaction.  I’ve had this thought floating around in my heart for a few years now, but it suddenly found the sustenance it needed in the aftermath of Mr. Rough to grow and fight its way to the forefront.  I am so afraid to be disappointed.  I’m so afraid that I will disappoint.  It’s better for me to push away and ignore than to let myself get any closer and risk that hurt again.  So whether the excuse is mine or his, I will find a reason why a relationship would be a bad idea.  This is both a trigger and a defense – a preemptive strike, if you will.

And despite the faulty thinking that I know is in there, I think it’s a good thing for me to keep my distance right now.  My heart is too fragile and cracked to handle anything extra.  I feel broken inside and broken edges cause pain, both for the one holding them and those trying to touch them.  Nope, until I’m healed a bit more, I need to keep romantic thoughts away.  Friends?  Yes, that’s necessary for healing, but I will have to fight with thoughts of being more than friends.

Stay Single?

When I was a kid, I went through the typical little girl phase of wanting to be a ballerina, a veterinarian, to have a pony, and the not-so-typical phases of wanting an elephant, to be a cartographer (yes, a person who makes maps. I thought that meant I’d get to travel a lot) and a martyr (they get really pretty crowns in heaven…and what little girl doesn’t want a pretty crown?)

(Click on title to read more)

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